I’ve heard it from so many of you: “Omg you’re a dating coach?? My friend/sister/barista NEEDS you!”
In short: “I love her and I just want her to be happy, but she needs a Pro if anything’s really going to change”
Good news- that’s exactly what I’m here for!!
SO, how do you suggest coaching to your gal pal without being super awkward or offensive?
Try one of these ideas:
1. “That’s such a tricky situation… You know what might be helpful is getting a totally unbiased perspective. I actually know someone who does just that- her job is to help you find clarity in gray situations. I’d be so curious to know what she thinks about this!”
2. “Ugh I hate seeing you back in this place again… When I felt stuck in a rut with xyz in my life, I found it really helpful to work with a coach/mentor/therapist just for a bit. Did you know there are certified life coaches who specialize in dating and relationships?!”
3. “I love that you come to me for advice, but it doesn’t seem like my guidance has been that helpful in the past ;). You know who would really know best and can help keep you from sliding back into old habits…”
4. “I just saw a facebook/IG/blog post about xyz that made me think of you. It was from this gal who’s a professional dating/relationship coach- you should friend her and check out her stuff!”
5. “I love you, and I know you deserve to be in an incredible, healthy, fulfilling relationship. It’s so crazy to me that someone amazing hasn’t scooped you up yet! I hope this isn’t super awkward or offensive in any way, but I’ve heard good things about this gal who’s a dating/relationship coach. Her job is to help you create the love life you want, and she offers a free consult to chat. Why not give it a go?”
Bonus: if your girl’s in the LA area, you can mention that I host super fun and cozy gatherings that you WISH you could go to if only you weren’t happily coupled up ;) !
However you decide to broach the topic, just remember: We all need support sometimes, whether that’s an outside perspective, new strategies and accountability, or just some extra encouragement.
It’s an act of care to provide those we love with resources, and an act of self care to make sure we’re not the only one receiving those frantic “WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?? / WHAT DO I SAY?!
/ WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME AGAIN??!” texts in the middle of the night :)
When she's ready to get in touch:
Q: I have a crush on a guy that I’m friendly with at work, but I don’t think that he’ll ever make a move. Another problem: I can’t imagine having sex with him, even though I’m attracted to him… help!
Believe it or not, men are wired to protect themselves from rejection. For this reason, they may not even realize that they’re attracted to you until they see signs that you’re interested, so he likely won't make a move until you open the door. This is all the more likely since you're colleagues, in that it'd be extra awkward if he asks you out and you turn him down. This doesn't mean that you have to make the first move, but rather exude "PROCEPTIVITY": The art of being proactively receptive. Flirt! Drop hints! Mention that new bar by the office that you’re dying to try out! Open the door for him to feel safe in asking you out.
Re: The Sex. It’s more than ok to not know yet if you want to sleep with him! Sometimes we feel that immediate physical chemistry with someone (i.e. I want his body on my body ASAP)- and this can lead to a great relationship, but oftentimes the physical chemistry burns out over time and we’re left without enough emotional/mental chemistry to sustain the relationship. On the flip side, when the other kinds of chemistry are more present early on, the physical chemistry can grow over time.
You find this guy attractive, you enjoy his company, you like what you know about him so far..this is promising! But you haven’t been in a position yet where he can pursue you, woo you, make smooth smooth moves on you. You haven’t even kissed yet! Maybe once there's an opportunity for romance he’ll flirt or touch you in little ways that turn you on. Maybe you’ll make out and he’ll grab your hair and it’ll be HOT. Maybe after a handful of dates you’ll fool around a little to test the waters and it’ll unlock a crazy sexual attraction. Or maybe not! Maybe you’ll realize over time that there just isn’t sexual chemistry, and that’s ok too. The point is: you don’t have to know any of this yet. All you have to know is that you’re interested in getting to know him in a romantic way, and exploring if there’s something there. Then you'll take it one date a time, and you'll get there with him (or you won't). That’s what dating is! Enjoy ;)
What do you do for PURE JOY? This is such a simple question, yet one that may be surprisingly hard to answer for many of us.
Raising your energetic vibration- which again is a fancy way of saying increasing your positivity, optimism & alignment- happens automatically when we infuse our day-to-day lives with more
joy. I say “day-to-day lives” because when we first think of joyful activities we may be prone to think of BIG but rare events, like that vacation we’re planning for later in the year or a week
off in the Summer when we spend days at the beach. But research shows that while those events (and even bigger ones like getting married or winning the lottery) spike our happiness temporarily,
we actually return to baseline levels of positivity pretty soon after. So by all means keep planning that luxurious vacay, but it’s actually the little moments of joy that we experience
consistently, ideally daily, that have a lasting impact on our enJOYment of life (see what i did there?).
Let’s start with a week view: what’s on your calendar that can be categorized as pure fun? Be careful not to count obligations masquerading as fun (i.e. drinks with an old coworker that you’re really not looking forward to all that much, or an activity that your friends picked for fun that you wouldn’t choose to do if it were up to you…). If you don’t have anything planned as of yet that gets you titillated, that’s awesome! You now have an opportunity to pick one (or two, or five) activities to sprinkle in. Remember: creating moments that cultivate joy is really good for you, so release any guilt you may have around making time for activities that may seem silly or trivial.
Now let’s zoom into any given day: we’re all busy and much of our schedule may be set in stone, so sadly we can’t squeeze in comedy shows, dance parties, doggie play dates- or whatever floats your boat- every single day. But we CAN find moments for pure joy every day! Is it fresh air and sunshine that does it for you? There’s no reason to let a day pass by when you don’t step outside, lift your face to the sun, and breathe in the joy. Better yet, identify the least joyous part of your day (let’s say it’s that mid-afternoon slump in the office) and give yourself a 10 minute break to wander outside. Boom- joy! Are there certain friends that bring you joy? You may not have time for full phone catch-ups every day, but a quick text or funny snapchat could give you a real boost. Animals? Maybe you only make it to the dog park on weekends, but you can absolutely find time for an adorable puppy or kitten video every day (trust me...).
Allow me to reiterate: these moments of joy are incredibly significant. Not only does joy bring you happiness in the moment (and shouldn’t that be reason enough?), but with a higher vibrational frequency comes endless benefits. You’ll be more productive at work, you’ll connect more easily and more deeply with people, your positivity will be infectious, you’ll see and seize opportunities that you may have otherwise missed, and you’ll invite in all the juicy life experiences that your heart desires. So follow your joy- throughout the day, every day. EnJOY!
In my last few posts, I’ve shared ways that we can raise our vibrational frequencies from the inside-out. It’s empowering to realize that we have control over these internal approaches, including our gratitude practice, kind self-talk & expressions of self love. But what happens when we step outside into the world, and interact with people who are emitting their own vibrational energy? Every person in your life has the potential to either elevate your energetic frequency or slow your vibration down and drain your positivity. This is true of the people we spend time with in person, family and friends who may be long distance, and even the people who fill our social media feeds.
This can feel unsettling, since we don’t have control over the energy that others’ are emitting. But here's the thing: as adults, we DO get to choose who we spend our time with, or at the very least in what capacity we interact with those around us. We get to choose our friends based on the factors that we care most about, rather than those who are randomly assigned to our dorm room. We live independently, many of us in another city or state, from our families, which allows us the freedom to determine how often, when, and in what situations we talk or visit with our relatives. Even in situations where we have less control over who’s in our environment, such as at work, we have more control than we think over the nature of our interactions, which conversations we engage in, and how we share our precious energy.
A few tips:
3. Choose to surround yourself and spend your precious time with those who most uplift you. Nurture these relationships.
4. When you realize someone is draining your energy or pulling you into the negativity zone, make a conscious decision. Depending on the relationship and the circumstances, you may choose to limit your time with this person, defining specific circumstances in which to interact, or topics to avoid. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but you have every right to say “I love catching up with you, but let’s skip the gossiping"... or you may choose to let this person go from your life completely. This isn't a punishment or even a judgement of anyone, simply a choice to prioritize your healthiest, most positive relationships.
5. Find inspiring, uplifting people that you can’t get close to IRL and read their books, print out their pictures, & follow them on all your media platforms (and while you’re at it, unfollow those people whose posts make you cringe. Do it now!)
Finally, remember that everyone is on his or her own path. We truly don’t know what’s best for anyone else, so it’s an unhealthy (and crazy-making!) use of our energy to try to push people to live our values. However, we do get to decide who surrounds us and how we engage, thereby protecting and elevating our energy. Fill your world with uplifting people, connect with those who bring out & appreciate your authentic YOUness, and celebrate the fact that you’re elevating them in return!
A few of my most cherished uplifters :)
Our brains are sending messages to every cell in our bodies, constantly, whether we’re aware of the messages of not. When our internal, often subconscious, dialogue is self-critical and unkind, our energy gets stuck at a low vibrational frequency. On the flip side, when we speak to ourselves with compassion, quick-forgiveness, and affirmation- the way that we speak to those we love- we automatically raise our frequency. In this way, we send ourselves the message that we’re safe and supported, and that we’re worthy of love (our own and others’).
For many of us, we’re not even aware of what the voice in our heads is yammering on about day in and day out. We’ve lived with this voice for so long that we don’t notice the thought patterns, the repeated insults or negative tone that plays on a loop in our minds. I encourage you to get comfortable, tune in, and ask yourself these questions:
-How kindly do I speak to myself?
-When I’m feeling my most vulnerable, am I my own compassionate nurturer, or my own biggest critic?
-What thoughts always pop up when I look in the mirror? What do I notice first- my flaws or my beauty?
-When I accomplish something in my day, do I take a moment to praise myself or am I on to the next task?
-When I mess up, do I berate myself or am I quick to forgive?
-How would I feel if I verbalized a typical day of my self-talk out loud in front of a loved one?
-How would I speak to myself if I deeply loved, adored, cherished myself?
It can be upsetting at first to acknowledge the answers to the questions below, but awareness in and of itself it’s a HUGE first step in shifting our self-talk and cultivating self-love. The inner-critic loses much of it’s power as soon as we shine a light on it.
As you move forward, simply become an observer of your own thoughts. Without judgement or even a need to make a change just yet, bring your inner voice into your conscious mind. Eventually, you can start to interrupt the messaging by interjecting comments like “oh, there’s that thought again” or “this thought pattern isn’t serving me.” You can then choose how to proceed so as to move away from that negative chatter. If you’re feeling particularly down on yourself, you may find that a distraction is the best remedy (engage with something in your physical space, start a new task, etc). Or, if it feels doable, try choosing a kinder follow-up thought. Imagine that you’re speaking to someone you love- what would you choose to express to them in this moment?
Quick tips to express more self-love:
In order to live loving, free, high frequency lives as adults, we have to become our own nurturers. By speaking kindly to ourselves we reinforce our self worth. We ensure that life is good internally, so that life may be good externally. And others benefit as well; when we feel good we do good. Remember this shift doesn’t happen overnight, but little steps will lead to an upward spiral that will change EVERYTHING for the better, I promise.
Last week’s blog post was about becoming aware of our vibrational frequency, and how we always have the ability to raise our frequency. Sure, external events can impact us, but we have sooo much more internal control than we realize. There are endless benefits of raising our frequency, but in the broadest sense consider this: 1. It feels really good in the present moment 2. We get back what we send out into the universe: high frequency energy attracts high frequency experiences and people. It’s an upwards spiral that every single one of us can get in on right now, no matter what your external life circumstances look like.
The next few blog posts will cover fun & simple ways to raise your frequency. Today’s topic: GRATITUDE. We’re starting here because it’s crazy easy to bring an “attitude of gratitude” into your life, and the impact is major.
For many of us, our default setting is to notice what’s not working, or what we’re lacking in our lives. We can get stuck ruminating on the negative, and we pull ourselves deeper down into low frequency territory. Without even realizing it, we continue to invite in more low frequency experiences, and the cycle perpetuates itself.
By starting the day with a morning Gratitude practice, we’re literally rewiring our brains to recognize and celebrate the good in our lives. Our perspective starts to quickly shift as we notice and acknowledge all of the things that are going right, and we immediately raise our vibration as we let ourselves really soak in those grateful feelings. We then go out into the day and find that we notice the good more and more often. We see little things to be grateful for that we might have otherwise overlooked: a stranger’s kind gesture, the perfect parking spot that opens up for us, a gorgeous sunset.. As we make note of these positives we reinforce the pattern. We also start to find ways to be grateful for our experiences that aren’t so obviously positive. We recognize how everything unfolds just as it should, so those external experiences that used to pull us down don’t have nearly the impact on our energy.
Here’s my A.M. practice, feel free to tweak and make this your own!
Before I even get out of bed, I grab a little notepad and pen that I keep in my nightstand and write:
Having trouble getting started? How about the feeling of your comfy bed? Nothing's too small :)
Throughout the day, if I feel my energy shifting down or find myself reacting to a “negative” experience, I simply turn my attention back to gratitude. I find one little thing to be grateful for, whether it’s something in my immediate surroundings, something that happened recently, a person in my life- literally anything. That's all it takes to interrupt the negative thought patterns and elevate your vibration.
At night, journaling in more depth about one of your morning gratitudes is a great way to reinforce and ensure the full benefit of your a.m. practice. I personally don’t love to journal at night, so instead I create a daydream as I fall asleep. I'll relive a joyous scene from a past memory, or I’ll envision a future scene that brings me great joy. I bask in the feeling of gratitude for that wonderful experience, whether it’s already occurred or yet to come.
Before I started my Gratitude practice I couldn’t have imagined how much of a game changer it would be. I encourage you to try starting your day with some version of a gratitude list for 2 weeks, and feel the good vibez for yourself!
Everything in this universe is made of energy, including us. We all know this, right? It’s science.
So why do we spend so little time (if any) considering, let alone consciously directing, the energy that we’re emitting?
Picture a continuum of frequencies, much like a radio. At any given time, your energy shifts along this continuum. When you’re vibrating at a HIGH frequency you feel positive emotion (joy, gratitude, love, etc). You feel eager and optimistic about the future, and totally in the groove/in flow with the universe. Things seem to go your way! And that makes you feel good! So you effortlessly emit high frequency energy! And, what do you know?, things keep going your way! It’s a cycle of juicy vibes (“good vibez” = high vibrational frequency, get it?!), and juicy experiences.
The rest of the month’s blog posts will dive into ways to raise your frequency, but here’s the short of it to get you started: FOLLOW YOUR JOY! Do things that make you feel good, cultivate gratitude, listen to what your body is craving, slow down and bring yourself fully into the present moment, speak kindly to yourself… I could type this list on and on but it all boils down to intentionally feeling good. That’s it!
A great way to get started is to simply become aware of when your energy feels low frequency, make some adjustments (a.k.a. “follow your joy”), and see how everything shifts in response.
Take my own experience this morning:
My alarm went off earlier than my body wanted to wake up, and I was feeling sluggish even after my coffee. It’s a rare overcast day in LA, so as I sat at my desk I missed the sunlight that usually streams in through my window. My calendar told me that it was time to write a blog post, so I tried to get down to business. I started a few times, but the topic never felt quite right. Writing felt laborious. Which felt discouraging. Which was frustrating. I was stuck. Then I had an epiphany: DUH! My energy is low frequency right now. I feel blah, so any task I try to start from this vibration will be blah. The results will turn out blah. But I can fix this!
I left my home office. I got in the car and blasted Sara Bareilles’s “Brave,” and found myself belting right along with her. I could feel the vibrational shift starting. I took myself to a Starbucks that I’ve passed before but never entered. I was thrilled to discover a big working fireplace in this location, so I ordered tea and sat myself down in an oversized chair right next to the fire. I soaked in the warmth from the fire for a few moments, visualizing the dial turning up a few more notches. The music and chatter of people working all around me felt good. My frequency was soaring! I opened up my laptop and started to write again from this higher vibrational position, and the words flowed effortlessly. Not only did my once-stressful task become fun, but I was much more productive and efficient than I would have been if I forced myself to produce something before raising my frequency. I’m suddenly looking forward to what the rest of the day has in store for me, while earlier this morning I was wishing I could fast forward straight to Tuesday.
Next time you find yourself approaching a project, workout session, a date, or any other experience from that place of “blah,” consider your vibrational frequency. Do something simple to bring yourself joy, and see how everything shifts. Warning: this cycle of positivity is addictive, and it will change your life.
Overheard New Year’s proclamations: “GOOD RIDDANCE 2016!,” “So happy that hot mess of a year is in the past!,” & “Let's pretend that year never happened!". Now, I'm all for releasing negativity & leaving behind hardships from the past year, but we also need to ensure that we're greeting the New Year from a position of high vibrational energy in order to invite in the phenomenal experiences that we desire.
When we sum up 2016 as an awful year or even a “total wash,” we approach the New Year from a vibrationally low vantage point. We focus on what’s missing in our lives- what’s not working- and we move forward from a position of weakness. Our bright visions for 2017 will be dimmed, and we'll attract more of the same low frequency experiences into our future.
We don't need to deny that challenging or painful things happened; remember that negative & positive experiences & emotions always coexist side-by-side. We're simply choosing to shift our attention towards the positive in order to align ourselves with even more high frequency experiences.
Got 3 minutes, a pen & paper? Give this uplifting exercise a try!
Set a timer for 1 minute per question, and jot down as many responses to the following questions as you can:
Let's jump into this year with the intention of building on our past wins. Let’s envision our bright future from this position of strength, abundance, and gratitude. Let’s ride the momentum of our positive experiences, rather than starting “clean slate”. And remember, at this very moment, that you already have everything you need for an incredible year ahead. Cheers!
There's a recurring conversation that seems to be magnified this holiday season, and it goes something like this: “My social media feeds are FLOODED with engagements, baby announcements, ‘our first married holiday'...” This is not said with joy & warmth. Rather, the sentiment ranges from mildly annoyed to deeply distraught. These images of other people's celebrations often trigger us to compare where we are & what we have in our own lives, whether we’re conscious that we’re doing so or not.
Now, no one’s going to argue that cutting down on social media time isn’t a healthy & helpful choice. Yes, be conscious of how much time you spend perusing these platforms. Yes, unfollow certain accounts that most trigger your green-eyed monster. But this is (almost) 2017, and, let’s be real, we’re not going to avoid these images all together. So here are my practical recommendations for combating comparison's harmful effects:
1. Acknowledge that social media platforms portray a filtered, curated highlight reel of the best & brightest moments in people’s lives. Think about what you post and how representative those snapshots are of your life as a whole: do you share your worst hair days and unflattering angles, moments of grief or boredom or stress? You can probably imagine how someone could look at your page and think you have the "perfect" life!
2. Consider that no one person has it all. You’re seeing peak moment’s from X’s glamorous career, Y’s loving relationship, Z’s modelesque body, etc, etc, etc. If you compare yourself to your hundreds or even thousands of social media contacts, not to mention celebrities, advertisements, and other media content, you couldn’t possibly, ever, no matter how wonderful your life, stack up. You’re just one person, so remind yourself that it’s totally bananas to evaluate your one life against the collective lives of an entire population.
3. And finally, the cure for many, many ailments: Gratitude.
Ask yourself: What can I celebrate in my life right now? What am I proud of accomplishing this year? What challenges did I face and come through stronger? Who am I deeply thankful to have in my life? And what possibilities am I grateful to invite in this coming year?
I hope you’ll take this message into the New Year, and practice kindness and compassion towards yourself. You are more than worthy.
The season of giving is upon us! Don’t you just LOVE how during the Holidays there are endless opportunities to give and give to everyone around us, constantly, never-stopping, never-slowing-down, until we JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE?!
Many women (and some men, of course) are natural caretakers, and this caretaker identity is reinforced by society’s expectations of us. Here’s the thing: I love being a caretaker. I genuinely enjoy nurturing my loved ones, providing a shoulder to cry on, helping out friends and strangers alike.. and I’m proud of that! If you can relate, keep on reading.
The problem comes when we overextend, when we consistently put others’ needs before our own. When this happens, not only do we feel drained and run down (which is enough of a problem in and of itself), but we’re not able to give our best to those we love anyway. Think of the oxygen mask analogy: we must take care of ourselves before we can safely & effectively help those around us. We want to share our best selves with our loved ones, and the more well-rested, nourished & energized we are, the more loving, generous & uplifting our energy will be.
As we go forth into this Holiday season, I encourage you to take a few minutes and ask yourself the following questions:
Here are a few of my personal resolutions, which I’ll share with you both as inspiration and to keep myself accountable:
-Pick one morning in December to sleep in with NO alarm set
-Attend 3 yoga classes while I’m in Florida visiting my family
-Read a whimsical, guilty-pleasure book, and feel zero guilt about it!
I’d love to hear your plans for self care in the comments, along with any thoughts or feelings on what tends to hold you back from refueling yourself. Rest up, dolls, you deserve it!
In September of 2016 I quit my corporate job in order to launch my coaching business. I had dreamed about this day for months and felt clear that the time was now. I took the leap, and it felt good!
I woke up on my first day without an employer, without a guaranteed paycheck or structure to my day or manager to turn to... and it was EXHILARATING. But as I got down to work I started to feel overwhelmed by the endless possibilities. This is my career! My future! What if I messed it up??
Every decision, from business card designs to workshop locations to this very font, felt like a make-or-break choice. I could do this right, or I could do this wrong. I could succeed, or I could fail. My brain was overloaded, and the anxiety in my body was not helping me to see things in perspective. Ever been there?
I decided to try an active meditation: I focused on my breath with the goal of grounding myself and creating space in my mind, and I called on my tribe for guidance.
I was flooded with memories of past crossroads in my life, other moments when I had to make a decision that felt HUGE at the time: committing to a college major/minor, picking a city to move to after graduation (and twice more after that), signing my first lease, moving in with a boyfriend, shifting industries... these decisions were significant, but not in the way that I thought they were at the time. I thought I HAD to be a theater major because I was 100% set on being a professional actor. Likewise my move to NYC, that boyfriend I desperately wanted to be the one, my forays into the non-profit & corporate worlds...
At the time, those felt like the logical steps along my course to a specific vision. I thought I had to have it all figured out, because I envisioned my path as linear; I believed that anything that didn't move me straight forward would veer me off into the woods somewhere, where I would be lost forever. Now I can see that it was all just exploration, a way to learn what lit me up, what cities and relationships and industries weren't for me, and that other routes could have just as likely led me here.
The message I took away: "You're on your path; You cannot fail."
Which means to me:
So take the pressure off! Do what you need to do to tune in to yourself, get clear on what you want your life to look like, and enjoy creating your path as you go along. You'll have a million chances to choose a direction, check out that trail, see how it feels, then continue on (or go back, or veer left) accordingly. Embrace being the joyful traveler!